My Dear Sweet Fruit!
by Hume
Summary: [archived(?)] Lu Xun is a young, charming, extraordinaire strategist. He WAS. One day an evil scheme gone wrong and made him transgendered. AND to make matters worse, a certain narcissist has fallen head-over-heels!
1. an alcoholic banquet

_Yeah, I usually use MS Frontpage to type my fics but thanks to a certain _attacking_ worm in my computer, almost all of Office programs are malfunctioning—even this MS Word is working on _Safe Mode _*shudders*. So at the meantime, I cannot update or edit my other works since they're HTML files and needs special editing (I can't stand using Notepad, I'll have Frontpage and manual codes blend together). But it doesn't mean I'll stop writing, I got a new story to publish and it's right here! Right, this is my **first** DW fic, featuring my favorite character Lu Xun! *glompglomp* So here it is, for you, _feel the love… insanity!

_PS: This story takes place around "The Fall of Wei" chapter… argh, like you care *sweatdrop* Just to make the plot easier *lol* Btw, I don't own the DW series, Koeigames, nor ROTK… and SGZ is **not** (or cannot possibly be) my butler. He's a man of the fourteenth century =3_

**My Dear Sweet Fruit!  
**chapter one: an alcoholic banquet—the nightmare begins here

"Damn those sick people!" Cao Cao pinched the table hard, "Aren't there any way to get rid of those Wu!?"

Xiahou Dun hovered the map where a nine-inch hole embarked, "They have their camps surrounding our castle with more than 5000 men, not to mention superb strategies. We cannot win like this."

"We have 7000 men." Xiahou Yuan said matter-of-factly, chewing his fried chicken. 

Facefaulting, the other Xiahou answered, "Two third of them are now missing cause you led them to an endless pit and lost in the stone maze during our alliance against Lu Bu…" he placed his hand on forehead. Somewhere far away, Xiahou Dun could hear endless hollers, _…naaaahh__!!_

"HELL with those soldiers!!" Cao Cao cursed, producing another hole on the map, "We have to find a way to eliminate Sun Jian!"

"I know," Cao Ren added, "let's eat 'em."

Everyone in the meeting room eyed at him and sweatdropped. Sima Yi shook his head in disagreement, "Do you have a better idea except cannibalism?"

"Let us seduce him, he couldn't regret that." Zhen Ji suggested, drawing her flute as her thighs revealed from her dress, bringing Cao's men to drool—something she hardly notice forever.

Xiahou Dun replied accusingly, "You and your lady guards are one to blame if something _unexpected happens…" he formed two bunny ears with his fingers, "except that Cao Pi will have Sun Jian's head before the campaign even started."_

Zhen Ji rolled her eyes heavenwards. She then spattered out at the fat Xiahou, "Don't just eat there! Say something!"

Xiahou Yuan promptly stopped chewing, "Errr… send him down a cliff?"

Mass sweatdropping.

Sima Yi cleared his throat, "Why not the classic?" he asked, "Putting drugs in his teacup?" and said, "A well-prepared plan and successful results are part of beauty as well." of he and his narcissistic features. 

"…not bad." Xiahou Dun commented.

"Not bad at all…" Cao Cao hissed in his evil looks, "We might just use that plan, no one will never guess that we'll abduct them internally…"

Grinning arrogantly, Sima Yi added, "We just need some drugs… or poison… any one of them does well…"

"How about using some of Zhen Ji's seductive-nightmare-beauty potions?" Xiahou Dun suggested.

And shot a death glare from the beautiful mistress.

"Those stuff might just make him ten times hornier…"

  
* * *

  
Sun Ce trailed down from his camp to the supply depot… and smelled something aromatic.

"Hmm… something's cooking…"

**[ at the kitchen ]**

"Mwahahahahahaha~~" Cao Cao laughed victoriously in his undercover chef suit , "No one will ever know that me, the ruler of Wu, is settling in Wu's underdogs!" he demanded sarcastically as he—

…got smacked with Zhen Ji's flute.

"Keep it down!" she remarked with a hush, "Those laughs and gags are one to spot when something suspicious is happening. The Sun family aren't that stupid, you know?"

Xiahou Dun sighed, shaking his head, "If we _are_ sneaking in the Wu kitchen camp, why don't we just skip the plan and just hunt them down. The guards didn't even recognize that we're coming here uncovered… _though our soldiers are seven times stupider…_"

"Now that you mention it, we don't bring any men with us…" Zhen Ji's face faulted. 

Sima Yi shrugged and asked the one-eyed warrior, "By the way, where's your brother?" 

"He said something about _'catching lambs at the field for dinner'_ right before we came here." Xiahou said, commenting the other Xiahou, "He's a pig whenever he eats, and he'll forever chase a pork-bun cart if necessary." 

The whole Wei-lost-in-Wu-camp bleep-eyed. Not until Zhen Ji took a glance on Cao Cao's beard. 

She looked at her father-in-law carefully and opinionated, "Errr… I think your looks are most reckonable… you're the leader of their enemy, they'll strike you down before you even breath." 

Everyone set their eyes on their superior's beard. 

"Heck it." Sima Yi pulled off Cao Cao's moustache and threw it away, "That matters not." 

Because of too much pain, Cao Cao hardly ached on his pain and cursed inaudibly, "You're gonna have twelve penalties when we come back…" 

"Anyway, which do you think is Sun Jian's bowl?" Sima Yi questioned the other three as he gazed at the flowing soup bowls on the kitchen table. He drew his index finger and took a sip on one of the bowls. He then mumbled something about "lack of salt" under his breath. 

Zhen Ji spotted a rather royal-like bowl among the rest, which was layered by two gold lines on the top and a hologram pheonix crest on the bottom, _a bowl perfectly served for the leader, she thought. And quickly pointed her finger out, "__That must be the bowl!"_

Everyone approached the pointed bowl.

"It must be!" Xiahou Dun agreed, "It's different from any other bowls!"

"And this crest…" Cao Cao glanced at the end tip of the bowl and assumed, "This is IT!!"

"ALRIGHT!" Sima Yi took the bowl awkwardly, "Zhen Ji! 'got the potion!?"

Zhen Ji threw it over to him.

"Good! Now it's poisoning time!" Sima Yi sang as he poured the small bottle of potion to the soup. The rest of the Wei members whistled cheerfully as they cannot wait for their enemy's leader to die.

**[ on**** to the dining room ]**

"We're having soup today? How unlikely…" Zhou Yu commented as he saw the stumbling bowls of soup, placed perfectly tidy across the table.

"Aren't we supposed to be in war? How come we're having a banquet?" Sun Ce said as he took a seat next to Zhou Yu.

"It doesn't matter," Gan Ning mentioned with his mouth full, "We've been eating foot-flavored buns and overheated roast chickens for the last three weeks! Let's call this a blessing!"

"Yeah! It's not everyday we can eat something like this during war." Sun Shang Xiang, for the first time, agreed with the foulmouthed pirate.

**[ back**** to the kitchen ]**

"Alright… now that's Sun Jian… _the_ Sun Jian! And he's gonna have his soup poisonous any second now!" Cao Cao snickered with a tone of sarcasm—

…and landed a smack on the head.

Sima Yi took a peek, "There goes the bowl…"

Xiahou Dun took a peek next to him, "And that's Sun Ce's seat…"

"And then Sun Quan's seat…"

"And then Sun Shang Xiang's seat…"

"And then Sun Jian's seat…"

Silence.

Cao Cao questioned the peeping toms, "What's the matter? Isn't the bowl supposed to be on Sun Jian's table?"

**[ dining**** room ]**

"Aren't you eating, father?" Shang Xiang asked her bowl-less father, "That's your… bowl, right?"

Sun Jian replied, nodding, "It is but… it's specified for someone special tonight."

His two sons blinked altogether, "Who's that?" as if they hardly believe that _special someone wasn't one of them. They then eyed the golden bowl, which was still on the tray. Even the greatest and oldest successors of the kingdom didn't receive that very bowl. Obviously anxious of the bowl retriever._

**[ kitchen**** ]**

"WHADDAYA MEAN IT'S NOT SUN JIAN!?!?!?!?" Cao Cao's temper went hot red.

Another smack landed on the same spot.

"It appears to be that the bowl _is_ owned by Sun Jian but will not be used by him tonight!" Sima Yi reported, still eyeing at the gazing golden bowl who hadn't been touched by any man of the dining room.

Xiahou Dun remarked, "I think the rest of the bowls are almost done placing… there're only five bowls left on the tray!"

The whole Wei troops rapidly went near the door to peek.

**[ dining**** room ]**

"What is the matter, my dear sons? Aren't you supposed to be eating your meals?" Sun Jian asked, sipping his soup.

Zhou Yu couldn't stand sitting beside the wide-eyed Sun Ce, "I don't get it… do you know what's wrong with them, Shang Xiang?" he went to the two's sister, surprised to find her beside him.

Shang Xiang heaved a groan, flashing a look of suspicion, "I think they're off to a world of their own…"

**[ kitchen**** ]**

"Two bowls left!" Sima Yi squealed as the soup-spreading was getting exciting.

Xiahou Dun muttered, "Almost… almost…"

"COME OOOONN!!" Cao Cao demanded eagerly and—

…got smacked again.

"Do you honestly hate me that much?" Cao Cao looked at the narrow-eyed Zhen Ji as he rubbed his forehead.

"For your big mouth, yes." she nodded slyly. Cao Cao frowned.

"OOOHH! It's coming!"

Both Cao Cao and Zhen Ji jerked to find them stuck with the other two.

And as expected, the bowl was finally placed on a Wu officer's table. However, the result was terribly not going smoothly as they planned. The bowl was not with the leader, the prime minister, nor one of the high-rated commanders.

The Wei troops had their jaws dropped.

**[ dining**** room ]**

The two Sun family sons mumbled altogether awkwardly, "…what?"

And Sun Jian stood up from his seat with his cup up in the air, "Gentlemen, I would like to make an announcement," he pleaded, "I would like to announce a new yet superb strategist of the Wu kingdom, who will be vowed to be the service-in-commander for later battles."

The rest of the diners shifted their eyes anxiously, especially the other two Suns.

"Everyone, I would like you to congratulate—"

The hiding Wei troops jerked towards.

"Lu Xun."

The hiding Wei troops paralyzed.

Among all hand-clapping Wu men, Lu Xun flabbergasted and muttered, "Erm… me? Aaahh… I don't know what to say…"

Then suddenly, Gan Ning patted his back roughly and encouraged him, "What're ya talking about? You've got a place no one can nearly succeed there!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

"Get away from me, Gan Ning… you scented liquor…" Lu Xun murmured, slowly avoiding his fellow pirate in disgust.

"What're you talking about!?" Gan Ning dragged his companion, drunk, "Let's settle down the night and have lotsa fuuuu~n!"

The dining room stared at the two strangely.

Lu Xun immediately ignored the stares and constantly pushed Gan Ning's head, "Oh please Gan Ning, cut it OUT!" but his arms were still attached, gripping his shoulder, "Go drink and do something far far away from me—I haven't even touch my soup yet!" his constant force brought Gan Ning rolling down the floor.

But Gan Ning hadn't give up, "How cruel… I only wanna cheer you up, y'know…" he stood up and tried to drag Lu Xun on the floor, "Com'on! You know you want to!"

"GYAH! Get away from me, you homophobic seadog!!" the younger boy tried to push Gan Ning's head away with all his might, "This is my first soup in four months!!" he struggled Gan Ning's roaming arms around his body and kicked his face.

Everyone was still staring sharp at him.

"What're you looking at? The show's over." Lu Xun took a sip of the soup as he thought, _I can't believe I got exposed shamelessly in a banquet dinner…_ not before thanking the heavens for his_ sacred_ chicken soup, of course.

**[ kitchen**** ]**

Both Xiahou Dun and Sima Yi sweatdropped. Zhen Ji's face went flat. Cao Cao surprisingly faint in shock.

"…it's not with Sun Jian?" Sima Yi faltered, hardly believe his trustworthy plan came to a close… and a complete failure.

"Just who is that new guy?" Xiahou Dun fibbed questioningly, "Not only that he's a brat… he got a special bowl too!"

Zhen Ji found Cao Cao's head on her chest and promptly slapped it off, "If that bowl isn't used by Sun Jian then… where is his _real bowl?" she wondered, looking around the kitchen for leftover bowls._

Until a servant brought a large bowl from across the kitchen and ended up right before the undercovered enemies.

The remaining three jolted awake, "Huh?"

**[ dining**** room ]**

"Aren't you eating, father?" Shang Xiang asked.

Sun Jian was about to answer until his servant came and brought the _superior bowl of soup, a ten-inch tall bowl. Everyone, including the sneaking Wei troops, bleep-eyed as they saw the Wu leader gulped the whole bowl less than twenty seconds._

"Gaaaahh… nothing like a good meal after a good fight," he snapped, still having the whole dining room (and kitchen) facing him awkwardly. But he ignored and ordered a servant, "can you send another ten-inch bowl for me?"

"Yes, my lord." the servant as she trailed off with a weak smile, somehow awed on how huge her leader had in portion.

"Umm… anyway…" Sun Jian announced, not realizing everybody still had their eyes over him, "liquor anyone?"

  
* * *

  
It was a long night at the Wu banquet dinner which last with laughters and alcohol-fetish drinkers. No one didn't know when the party came to a close, because Gan Ning and his merry men kept drinking until dawn. However, most Wu officers had already wind up in their tents before midnight—especially Lady Sun, who had a little too much liquor due to her first experience with alcohol, and Lu Meng, who got a huge scar covered on his back due to Zhou Tai's _attacks_ during his drunkage. Violence he can handle but _attacking_ drunkards were another story. And for everyone who hadn't left, was now perfectly insane.

Although it was fortunate for Gan Ning, it was unfortunate for the likes of Lu Xun. Whenever a man named Gan Ning is drunk, he will forever drive his peace-loving friend overnight in insanity. This was the thirty-first time for Lu Xun, and he still wasn't used to it. Lu Xun was a deliquent and known not only for his remarkable tactical strategies, but also for his huge avoidant towards alcohol.

The question was, have Lu Xun tasted liquor before? If it weren't for Gan Ning, he would never taste, or touch the beverage he labeled _evil. After all, Lu Xun never drank liquor by himself, he always had Gan Ning jerking the bottle towards his mouth and gulped it in an automatically biological way. _

…and the next thing he knew, he would be singing _Mary Had a Little Lamb_ or _Old McDonald's_ in a duet with Gan Ning all night.

This night was an exception, however. They were singing _Ten Little Indians_ with bottles and brooms as their mikes.

As for the three—err, four troops of Wei, they now came back with unexplainable manners. Their plan failed, and happened to the wrong person as well. A mix of feelings eluded, but they were cool enough to move on… except the short-tempered Cao Cao of course. Their leader was dragged on the heels by the other three officers because of shock-turned-faint. The plan to eliminate the _Tiger of Jiang Dong failed flatly._

But Zhen Ji kept enlightening her fellow companions by saying, "Well, they _did lost a strategist… they're now five points below average!" or at least, that was how she presumed._

Tired and sleepy, the Wei troops walked in a rather gazing way and somehow dreamy, as if they were walking in a land of clouds. Not to mention Zhen Ji's face turned pale due to her ruined chaotic make-up, which may cause her screaming all day if she regains full conscience. 

Sadly, the Wei officers came home to find themselves missing a royal banquet dinner of their own. They could hear similar laughters and female squeals from what they heard from the Wu camp—only that Gan Ning's voice was replaced by Zhang He's in this case. Before walking a fine ten-meters distance from the castle, there wavered fainting drunken men who were to die the next day.

From across the Wei castle, they could hear _evil_ and _disturbing_ laughters of a drunkard.

Xiahou Yuan was laughing at them.

"Damn." Xiahou Dun cussed, snorting.

Somehow, they felt jealous to their enemy, for having a mid-summer's party altered in a banquet.

Xiahou Dun and Sima Yi kept mumbling the same thing, "There goes my dancing panties and bottles of liquor…"

While Zhen Ji cursed in her thoughts, _Men!_

  
* * *

  
The soldiers woke to hear a horrific scream coming from a certain tent.

"Ah-uh… in the middle of the morning…" Gan Ning shifted his eyes up and found himself asleep on the dining table, with mountaining liquor bottles on top of his stomach, "what the hell was that?"

Zhou Yu and his men came walking in incredible speed toward the place where the screaming came. As he passed from tent to tent, all officers and their men came hovering at his back and followed. Their path stopped in front of an officer's tent.

Lu Xun's tent.

"Helloo~" Zhou Yu forwarded his head into the tent and stepped in, "Lu Xun, are you here? Is something wrong?" 

The first-commander was pleasantly surprised to found a girl sobbing at the corner of the room, covering her eyes as she sat in silence. 

_A girl…_ he thought, "Who are you? How come a lady like you could wind up in a place as dangerous as this?" Zhou Yu handed out his gentleman hand. 

The girl glanced at him slightly and quickly hid her face again, continuing her sobs. 

"Errr… something wrong? I can bring you home if you want…" he tried to be a nicer—as if he wasn't nice at all. 

But she ignored, and continued to cry, even harder. 

Zhou Yu's third attempt to cheer the girl up was interrupted by his young lord, Sun Ce, "Hey, what's all the fuss here? What's taking you so long, Zhou Yu?" he was about to grab Zhou Yu's arm to pull him outside— 

…until he found out the girl cried seven times harder. 

Sun Ce, awed, mouth half-opened, "W-Who—" 

"She's—" 

"Who the heck is this girl!? What's she doing in on of our tents… in Lu Xun's tent!?" he awkwardly cussed in disbelief, "Are you saying that Lu Xun is sneaking a girl here and made her pregnant!? And now he ran away because he doesn't wanna be responsible that made her cry!?" 

"You and your dirty thoughts!" Zhou Yu snapped out, "Lu Xun is lack of flirting skills…" he rolled his eyes. 

"No…" the girl opened her mouth, letting her strength out to whisper. 

The two officers jolted up to her. 

"You guys are wrong…" 

…and went closer to her. 

"I _AM LU XUN!" _

…then face-faulted. 

During the meantime, Cao Cao and his men came and demanded with sarcasm, "Now what're you going to do, you Wu scums… sad for having your leader dead for the day!?" he mentally forgot about what happened last night during the sneak-to-the-Wu-banquet. 

Sun Jian came riding his Red Hare and replied, "Sorry to disappoint you but… I'm still ALIVE!" 

Horrofic screams of Cao Cao's underlings caused the whole army to drop their manners overally—except Xiahou Dun, Sima Yi, and Zhen Ji, obviously because they knew and _remembered_ what happened… in which Cao Cao fainted. 

"Grrmm…" Cao Cao gritted his teeth, "SIMA YIII~" 

Sima Yi immediately came with his horse, "What is it, my lord?" 

"Wasn't he supposed to be dead!? We poisoned his soup, right!?" he demanded impatiently. 

The narcissistic assassin gulped, "I hate to say this but… umm… don't you remember?" 

Cao Cao looked at him strangely, he really did forgotten about it. 

"Umm… we misplaced the poison to another bowl… which wasn't Sun Jian's?" Sima Yi explained, tremblingly speaking. 

Cao Cao's jaw dropped on the ground. 

Back at the camp, Sun Ce and Zhou Yu were still face-faulting disbeliefly. Finding their topnotch strategist turned to a woman was a huge shock for the whole troops. If the poison really did came to Sun Jian, the whole nation might drop dead or immediately surrender themselves to either Wei or Shu. 

The next thing the soldiers knew was Sun Ce and Zhou Yu stone-statuing. 

  
* * *

  
"My lord, we got bad news on our side!" two soldiers came to Sun Jian's aid. 

He got confused for he was sure everything was perfectly set for the battle, "What is it?" 

"It's trully unbelievable, sir! And we don't know how it happened!" they seemed trembling with fear. 

Sun Jian looked even more confused. 

"Lord Lu Xun turned into a WOMAN!!" 

Massive sweatdrops. 

  
* * *

  
"Gan Ning… are you sure you didn't put something in Lu Xun's liquor last night?" Lu Meng crossed his arms, asking the same question for the umpteenth time. 

The pirate slapped his head, "Look, dude, I was badly drunk that night… I couldn't possibly think about putting something in someone's drink… including chilli sauce!" he fumed. 

"Come on… you're the last person who was with him, right?" Zhou Tai investigated him. 

"I was but there's now I'll do something like that… including turning him into a girl!" Gan Ning defended himself, "That's the stupidest thing a stupid guy would do…" 

The mentioned strategist sighed, wiping his tears out, "But how am I going to fight in a girl's body…?" 

"Oh, don't feel so bad about it, Lu Xun!" Shang Xiang cheered him up, "Although you're now a girl, we still love you!" 

The rest of the crew looked at her strangely. Lu Xun twitched, "I'm not a dog, Shang Xiang… I'm a five-foot man-turned-woman officer…" 

"Don't worry too much about it!" she smiled in reply, "You look as good as you are as a man! You've got a pretty face there, guys'll definitely love you!" she said enviously. 

Lu Xun growled, "I'm a _man_, Shang Xiang." 

"But more importantly," Lu Meng threw Lu Xun's twin blades to him, "you still can fight, right?" 

Lu Xun stood up, "Yes but… maybe I'm going to be a little slower than how I used to…" he chanted in his heart, _learning to fight in a girl's body might take a lifetime to master…_

But just about time the Wu officers came out of the tent, Sun Jian's men and the Wei army were withdrawing altogether. Unlikely, the Wei army were withdrawing by Sima Yi's orders—for Cao Cao was still fainted in shock and _memory-recollection. _

"What the—" 

"We're withdrawing! We have to reset ourselves!" Sun Jian shouted as he made his comeback. 

The Wei army were also doing the same thing— 

…except Zhang He. He and his horse were still there, facing to the Wu camp's direction. He was staring— 

Zhang He was staring at Lu Xun. 

Although it was a five-meters distance, Lu Xun's feminine voice was loud and clear enough to hear, "What are you looking at?" 

Before he knew it, Zhang He escaped— 

…and blushed. 

Moreover, this unusual phenomena was seen by thousands of Wu men. 

Lu Xun groaned, "What are you guys looking at too?" 

Shang Xiang then tiptoed and grinned playfully—which continued to a horrible laugh. She laughed so hard that she rolled over the grass. Everyone shifted their eyes strangely at her. 

"Shang Xiang, stop it… you're crazy…" Sun Quan said. 

Holding tight to her stomach, she chuckled, "Ahaha~~ I think Zhang He got a crush on Lu Xun!" 

Everyone bleep-eyed and stone-statued. 

Lu Xun jawdropped, "W-What…?" he hoped he heard wrong. 

"ZHANG HE GOT A CRUSH ON LU XUN!!" and continued to laugh hard for hours—or probably just thirty minutes. 

The next thing they knew, Lu Xun passed out. 

~tbc

_That was one long chapter, ne? This part was partially not included in the plot but I think it's an exciting start *gringringrin* Anyway, I was wondering… just how tall is Lu Xun? I specified that he's 5' but honestly, I think he's a lot taller than that, but I don't think he's somewhere around 6' either. I reckon he's somewhere near 5'6" or 5'7", like most males are. Asia__n people during the medievil period are mostly short, right? But for fighters… erm… it is said that Lu Bu got a huge body for people during that time of age… maybe fighters got broader shoulders from how they used to. Anyway, I would like to hear your **reviews** and **feedbacks**! Pretty please?_


	2. an alcoholic banquet II

**author's rambles:****   
I might use a little format change *spoof*  Sorry if the first chapter format was pretty crappy, it was my first time using MS Word as my fanfiction typewriter so don't really think about it ^^;  Maybe I'll edit the first chapter in the future… or leave it as it is *sweatdrop*  Btw, I'm still thinking where this story is placing. I think it's _Battle at Chang Ban_ or something with a _Chang_. This stage is pretty hidden, you have to make the fifth chapter _The Fall of Shu_, which will swap places with _The Fall of Wei_ (labeled _The End of the Three Kingdoms_). Anyway, Chang Ban is the Wei capital, so it's really huge and gigantic. *reads the whole note all over again* I can't believe I post this crap *sweatdrop***

OH! Just so you know, this fic is rather… umm… contains a bit Zhang He/Lu Xun. But I'm telling ya, this is not (and precisely _not_) yaoi. Honestly, I'm not a yaoi fan or fond of shounen-ai sprinkles so needless to say this fic is **_yaoi-free_** (thank goddess). Not saying this still isn't ZH/LX though. Lu Xun is a _girl_ in the story, remember? **- - standard disclaimers apply - -**

**My Dear Sweet Fruit!**  
     chapter two: an alcoholic banquet II—mischief rules

Alas, no blood shed filled the grounds of Fan Castle—or more correctly, no battles. The day was unusually calm and quiet, for they live in warfare for most of the year. Although one fourth of them died not so long ago, neither kingdoms set faces with each other. They all remained in a peaceful—

"PUT THAT DISGUSTING _THING AWAY FROM ME!"_

…chaotic livelihood.

"But it's gonna look cute on you, Lu Xun!" Xiao Qiao approached the chased strategist with hands bringing a traditional red gown, "I can't believe you're even cuter than the neighborhood songstress!"

The older sister nodded in agreement, "You can't walk around with shorts like that… and girls do _not wear __manly hats." Da Qiao complimented._

"Well, for your information, ladies, I'm a MAN!" Lu Xun demanded for the umpteenth time of the day, "And quoting you, Lady Sun's wearing pants!"

The mentioned tomboy frowned. Da Qiao quickly noted him, "Shang Xiang isn't wearing pants… she is wearing _tights_." the following answer caused Lu Xun to snort, "And you need to learn some manners."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do!" Xiao Qiao approached him and dragged his arm.

"H-Hey!"

"You seriously need a beauty make-over, Lu Xun!" Sun Shang Xiang said as she helped the Xiao sisters to drag Lu Xun off his feet, "Imagine how will it be if you replace me as the royal princess…" she went off to a world of her own.

"And moreover," Da Qiao ran off to her tent and came back with another set of blue and pink gowns, "you'll be wearing _this_ on tonight's banquet!"

Being a girl was enough torture for him, Lu Xun shrieked, "LET GOOOO!!"

* * *

It was the twentieth sigh for Zhang He to let out.

No battles, no amusements, or so the Wei troops thought. Until yesterday, they live to conquer the battlement. Not before a certain _mischief_ brought everything to instant silent. To Wu, it may be both a fortune and a disaster. But for Wei, it wasn't a serious matter—except for Cao Cao who wished his plan to suceed successfully without fail, after taking a lot of _trouble._

While the rest of the soldiers were preparing catapults and thinking of tactical strategies for tomorrow's battle, Zhang He was thinking of something else.

"You look odd," from across the royal chamber, came Sima Yi, "You don't usually sulk all day like this, something's wrong?"

What flashed in Zhang He's mind came to an instant, "…who's that girl?"

Sima Yi's eyelids widen, "Girl who?"

"That new girl at the Wu kingdom…"

"Umm…" Sima Yi wasn't in the mood for _that_ topic, "I don't know… maybe Gan Ning's new fiancee?" he couldn't think of anything else.

"Oh, I see…" Zhang He sighed again, "By the way, what brings you here?"

"Ah, right," the soon-to-be commander almost lost his words, "we're going to delay today's battle to tomorrow. You'll have to prepare until then."

But the beauty-obsesser didn't respond, in which Sima Yi ignored. He then walked away towards the door—

"Curse you, Gan Ning," 

Sima Yi bothered to look back, he saw Zhang He clenched his fist, facing down.

"…just when I found the girl of my dreams…" 

And Sima Yi stormed to the royal chamber.

* * *

Shrieks and muses was heard from the royal dressing room.

"Ahh… so noisy…" Zhou Yu sighed, "I wonder what's going on there?"

"Probably the girls are playing dress-up," Taishi Ci shrugged, "and convincing Lu Xun to join."

Visions of aprons and tea-parties emerged, "Euh… Lu Xun's wearing pink…" Gan Ning's face went bright blue.

Everyone looked at Gan Ning oddly, sweatdropping.

Zhou Tai frowned, "HEY! I thought we're practicing here!" he yelled. The rest of the men promptly walked back in place.

Gan Ning heaved a groan, drawing his sword, "Anyway, those girls better not be dragging Lu Xun overboard… the only person who's allowed to do that is—YEOOCH!!!"

Apparently, Taishi Ci stroke a sensitive area between the pirate's legs. No, it's not his fault. Gan Ning didn't have his guard properly, after all. The rest of the Wu officers shown sour faces for the twisted pain. Zhou Yu said, his eyebrows narrowing, "That's got to hurt…"

**[ later**** that night—the banquet ]**

"Yeow… turkey!" Gan Ning shouted cheerfully, seeing his most favorite feast to come by his table, "I can eat the whole plate with this~"

Yes, the long-awaited banquet was held once again. It was unlikely for the Wu kingdom to spend a day clean from battles during the warfare, for they celebrated it with a humble banquet. Xingba's favorite roast turkey, soups of variety, spreading salad dressings, and hundreds of other delicious plates. Surprisingly, the whole dining room—which was full of dirt and assembled with only one rusty table—was altered completely with more lightings and flower bouquets, also spotlessly clean. Wasn't it supposed to be _humble_?

"NO! Banquets are supposed to be goddamn great!" he dissed before putting a piece of hotwing into his mouth, "I mean, just look at all the food—"

_*SMACK*_

"We're not going to eat before father comes, so hold your tongue for a few minutes, Xingba." Sun Shang Xiang warned with her finger pointing out.

"Ugh, right…" Gan Ning rubbed his head, "By the way, where's Boyan?"

She made a face of frustration, "He's probably crying in his room again, he kept sobbing the whole day…"

Gan Ning's eyebrows rose, "Come to think of it, is _she_ pretty?" the pirate asked with a grin.

"Why… yes, very pretty," Shang Xiang replied. Gan Ning grinned even more, "didn't you see him when Lu Meng investigated you?"

"Nope," was Xingba's short answer, "Lu Meng was too busy asking me questions that I didn't pay any attention to Boyan. All I remembered was he sobbing at the corner of the room."

"But seriously," Lu Meng sat next to Shang Xiang, while he was greeted with a bleep-eyeing Gan Ning, "does Lu Xun hate his transformation so bad? I heard endless cries and whines this afternoon at his camp."

Shang Xiang shuddered the moment she and the Qiao sisters chased Lu Xun, "Maybe, he doesn't want to be dressed at all."

Lu Meng rolled his eyes. Gan Ning gagged, "Of course he would. No guy wanna wear skirts even though he changed to a girl." a vision of Madame Xingba approached his mind.

Lady Sun was about to comment when Sun Jian reached the table and sat on his _superior seat. The three immediately greeted him with forced smiles—in which the leader smiled in return—and then continued their discussion after moments of obvious acts. After Sun Jian, there came his sons and the rest of the Wu officers. The following sequence caused them to stop discussing, although it looked very serious. Strangely enough, Lu Xun hadn't appear. But Gan Ning was sure he will, he knew Lu Xun would be in tears of joy._

"…kinda makes you wonder what'll he wear this night…"

Although everyone knew Lu Xun was now a woman, they didn't mention a word of it. Truth be told, those who hadn't seen the _lady_ were left in anxiety and curiosity. Lu Xun was known as a thoughtful young strategist with manners as high as the heavens. Due to his brilliance, he was respected greatly by his lord and the other officers. If anything were to happen to him; even changing into a girl, everyone will surely come to his aid.

Unfortunately, being a girl had made him lost his manners partially. He became overstressed. Even more stressed than being encountered by Zhuge Liang.

Everyone quickly emerged their thoughts of Lady Boyan and shown hilarious faces of their own.

Not after an armored woman walked into the dining room. Her head was facing down, with a headpiece handed around her arms. Her hair was shoulder-length and chestnut colored. Too bad her beautiful face was held down. Almost all men of the dining room groaned.

More precisely, they thought it was a liquor server.

"What's with all the face?" she asked confusedly, "You looked like you just seen a ghost."

Everyone paused.

"Oh. My. God." Gan Ning's eyes almost popped out, "Is that you, Lu Xun???"

"Umm… yes?"

The boys felt a boner.

"Lu Xun?" Da Qiao pondered from her seat, "I thought I told you to wear the dress!"

"No, Lady Ce, I cannot wear it. I'm a man, and everybody knows that." somehow, his voice didn't show how _deep_ his saying was. His voice was uber feminine.

"You _were a man," Lu Meng corrected him, which wasn't thanked but yanked, "you look five years younger, y'know?"_

Lu Xun made a fake laugh in devastation, "_Thank you_," he murmured, "but I'm young already." he sat next to Gan Ning, as he usually do.

That very moment, something flashed into his mind, _sense of bad happenings in the future…_ he thought. He sighed as he slyly ate his beef steak.

* * *

An alcoholic banquet, will always go like it usually did. The women; Lady Sun, Lady Ce, and Lady Yu, were stuck with the meddling drunkers, having to serve dozens and dozens of liquor bottles every thirty minutes. No one, even the Qiao sisters, thought that Sun Ce and Zhou Yu would let their wives be one of the liquor servers and became slightly stripped during the _overboarded dance. Mostly because their husbands were one of the people who caused drunkage, but either one of them remembered what happened. People lose their minds when drunked, after all._

Well, most of the men did enjoy drinking, and get drunk all night. Somehow, it was also fortunate for three women. They could see the negative sides of their _men by just making them sip a cup of liquor. When they were drunk, they could babble freely of everything, or just act insane. And even though they laughed due to the embarrassment, they wouldn't care, and continue the insanity. Ah, the joy._

And it _was all man, including Lu Xun. Lu Xun may be not older than twenty-five nor younger than eighteen—he was old enough to drink alcohol. Although he said, "alcohol is evil." to everybody he knew, he joined the alcoholic banquets anyway. Well, of course he would! Gan Ning will always shove a bottle to his mouth!_

This night was rather different in many ways.

Since now there was a transgender in the corner, the number of liquor servers—

"I AM NOT!"

…or so we thought. 

After rounds of wrestling matches and naked dances, as usual, Gan Ning drove Lu Xun overnight and play the drinking game with a few leftover drunk officers like Zhu Ran, Pan Zhang, even Sun Ce. He also brought his merry men, which were now scattered everywhere at the dining room—some were sleeping at the table, sleep-walking, or simply mumble in their sleep. They were to die another day, after all.

"Ab'bah~" Zhu Ran drank his fifth bottle, was about to falter, "I c'not hold a'ni lug'er~"

"For the love of goats, Zhu!" Sun Ce spattered, mistaken _God_ to _goats_, "You only drank four!"

It was then when lord Sun Ce teamed up with Zhu Ran and Gan Ning was with Pan Zhang. Gan Ning and his fellows tried to convince Lu Xun on drinking, but he was still refusing and got stuck with them for the rest of the midnight hour, watching their amusing shows.

"Grrr… the great Sun Ce… not known only by the name _"The Little Conqueror", but also the great __"Drinker of the Stars"!" Gan Ning snickered and laughed out loud._

_"Drinker of the Stars"?_ Lu Xun rolled his eyes, _where the heck did that__ come from?_

"Yo Pan Zhang, ya still alive!?" he stroke his hand on Pan Zhang's head.

"Zzzzzz~~~" no response.

"HAH! Looks like ya lost yer chance to score!" Sun Ce coughed back gag, "Yer general's dead!"

It took a while for Gan Ning to realize Pan Zhang passed out already.

_Oops… obvious…_ Lu Xun moked, _Gan Ning's as stupid as a cow when he's drunk, I won't be too surprised. But wait… am I that stupid too?_

"But y'know… it keeps me wondering…" Sun Ce mumbled, "Have ya seen Zhou Yu drunk before? I never seen him faint after a drinking game… all you got is a fresh-looking lad…"

Gan Ning nodded, agreeing, "Yeah… I always thought Lu Xun's immune to alcohol… but he's not really different from us…"

Lu Xun's face fell, _When I'm drunk, I'm not smarter than a chicken… and I don't think clearly, as everyone does… and I also play a lot with Xingba's bells, if I'm not mistaken… he regained unwanted memories of his own._

"What the hell I'm saying?" Gan Ning noticed Lu Xun was still here, "Oh, it's you, Boyan. Want some alcohol?"

Lu Xun glared in sarcasm.

"Com'on, ya know ya wanna…" Gan Ning approached him, about to shove a bottle.

"I am NOT drinking this night." Lu Xun exclaimed, "This body won't hold as strong as I was…"

"That what's making it easier, right?" Gan Ning made a fake grin. Lu Xun felt like screaming. The pirate shouted out, "HEY GUYS! GET 'EEERR!!!"

Sun Ce and Zhu Ran ran to Lu Xun's direction, opening their welcoming arms to him. Paralyzed, Boyan didn't know what to do. He was too stunned due to lack of stamina, and he was very sleepy. And the two's arms were about to—

"NGAH!!"

There went two shooting stars up in the sky, thanks to Lu Xun's twin sabers, of course.

"Ahh… man… just when we're about to have fun…" Gan Ning fumed.

**[ at**** the meeting tent ]**

"Did you hear something?" Lu Meng clinged, asking the still-drunk Taishi Ci.

"Huuhh?" Taishi muttered with a drool.

Lu Meng rolled his eyes, "Nevermind…" and continued to work more on tomorrow's strategy.

Zhou Yu came storming to the tent and yelled, "HEY! Has anybody seen Lu Xun?"

"Well… maybe Gan Ning's driving him nuts again as usual…" that happened everyday, he wouldn't be too surprised of his absence.

"Gan Ning and Lu Xun!?" Zhou Yu flashed a look of concern, " I don't think that's a good idea…"

"It's only Xingba!" Lu Meng snapped, "He's not going to do anything to Lu Xun! They're probably just entertaining themselves right now, like they do every banquet…"

Zhou Yu looked at him unbelievably, "Lu Meng, Lu Xun's a girl now…" he said, lowing his tone, "and you know how Gan Ning is… if he's drunk, he's out of control. Who knows what he'll do to Lu Xun?"

Lu Meng was about to answer when Taishi Ci twitched out, "But y'know, I've been thinking…" he looked really disgusting, "Lu Xun really did change. I mean, _SHE'S SEXIER THAN SHANG XIANG NOW!" he laughed._

Zhou Yu slapped his forehead. Lu Meng's eyes blinked, "Uh-oh,"

_*POW*_

Sun Shang Xiang gritted her teeth and shot a death glare at the fallen Wu officer. Zhou Yu and Lu Meng sweatdropped in surprise. She later questioned, "Have you seen my brothers?"

"Sun Quan is out setting the sieges, and Sun Ce…" Zhou Yu wondered, "I think he's still with Gan Ning…"

Shang Xiang muttered a "great!" not after she walked out the tent.

As she made her way to her tent, among the deep recesses of the cedars, two violet eyes staring the camp mused revealingly, "That Gan Ning… stealing the love of my life… such beautiful face covered with pale skin… voice more melodious than the wind… and her body is amusing a DISNEYLAND! MWAHAHAHA!!" he laughed hysterically out of the blue—

…and fell down the tree.

Then jumped back up again.

Shang Xiang turned her face promptly to the direction where the muses came, followed by Zhou Yu and Lu Meng. She turned to him and asked, "Did you hear something?"

Zhou Yu admitted, "I did hear some whispers…"

"…and '_Mwahahaha'," Lu Meng added, imitating the laugh oddly._

"Probably just the woodpeckers," Shang Xiang shrugged and continued her walk to her camp.

Zhou Yu and Lu Meng looked at each other quizzically, _Do_ woodpeckers appear at night?__

Back at the _'deep recesses of the cedars', "How dare you mistaken me as a filthy little WOODPECKER!!" the mysterious man behind the trees clenched his fist, "Just wait, you little—"_

_*BANG*_

"No, no, no!" Sun Quan shook his head in disagreement, "Put the siege over there!" he pointed out.

And let out a pancake-flat Zhang He.

Yes, Zhang He had sneaked into the Wu camp to hunt for his beauty princess, the _Beautiful Boyan._

**[ back**** at the dining room ]**

"Now… that's better." Lu Xun huffed.

He said as he finished tying several ropes around a crisped Gan Ning and his bells. He tied up to ten layers of rope, so Xingba's bells wouldn't ring whenever he forced himself to escape. Lu Xun didn't forget to cover Gan Ning's mouth with a few handkerchiefs scattered around the ruined table. He also dumped his fellow pirate with empty liquor battles they drank that night. Luckily, Gan Ning passed out from the alcohol—

…or fainted for being beaten up badly with Lu Xun's burning twin sabers.

* * *

"WHAT!? Zhang He's nowhere to be found!?" Cao Cao's already full-fire mood lighten up madly again.

Sima Yi raised his hand, "Umm… I think I know why…"

"Well, what is it, Sima Yi?" Cao Cao asked with his roaring voice. The failed attempt to kill Sun Jian was enough to make him angry, including Zhang He's disappearance.

"Umm… it seems like the potion we use was mistaken as poison…" he scratched his head.

Empress Zhen widen her eyes. Cao Cao pondered mad, "WHAT!?"

"It's not a death sentence?" Zhen Ji questioned in disbelief, stepping away from Cao Cao.

Sima Yi nodded, "It's… err… I think it's a potion that turns a man into a girl… or something that involves gender swap…" he assumed.

Cao Cao jaw dropped, Zhen Ji kicked it back to place. She started her line of questions, "What does it have to do with Zhang He?"

Sima Yi took a deep breath, getting ready to hear the _excitement_ after they heard this news, "It appears that Zhang He is lovingly interested with Wu service-in-commander Lu Xun as we speak!" he presumed, "I saw him talking dreamily not long ago…"

"WHAT!?" Cao Cao lost his temper and boomed out, "I CAN take a failed plan, but HAVING AN OFFICER CHASING OUR VICTIM IS OUT OF THE QUESTION!!"

"And one more thing…" Sima Yi raised his finger to eye-level, before letting Cao Cao to continue his mad rambles, "I think Zhang He not only fell in love with him—or her… I have a feeling he wants that person SEXUALLY." the last word was said in a drastically high volume.

Cao Cao's face faulted.

"Also, I hate to say this but, we have to cancel tomorrow's battle (again) and work together with our enemy to _save_ Zhang He." Sima Yi explained briefly, "Besides, this case doesn't have anything to do with our rivalry. We have to work out too."

Cao Cao fainted.

Sima Yi groaned depressingly, "Just what did you add in that potion, Zhen Ji?"

Zhen Ji stared at him sarcastically.

~tbc

**author's**** rambles:  
Euh… sorry if this chapter sucks, it's not as funny as the previous *fumes*  This chapter is more… narrative, that contains more text than I wanted it to be. I want it to be scriptive but looks like I got carried away --;;  But the narration doesn't suck that much, go ahead and read! I can't believe that my MS Word is screwing up with me again (if you read the rants in my profile page, you'll understand). Now I'm typing from my mom's laptop, which got a smaller keyboard that makes it hard on typing *kicks laptop* and no Winamp, so I'm stuck with my mini-compo *devastated***

To the reviewers, thank you so much for your feedbacks! Yes, Zhang He is a narcissist. But I personally think Sima Yi and Zhang He are both narcissists. Sima Yi does have good manners, but somehow he pushed it to a higher region (_"victory cannot be rushed…") which sounds very annoying *shudder*  He also wears those fluffies, and a bathrobe??? (or so I thought)  Zhang He is still the most and foremost beauty-obsessed narcissist of all though. And yeah, Lu Xun is probably around 5'4". Asian people aren't really tall, especially around the third century… no offense, I'm Asian too, y'know.   
  
Kay, kay, I know the chapter _unexpectedly_ sucks, but I promise, the third chapter will be better, I've outlined it and it's full of laughs. But before then, don't forget to review~~~  Your comments will forever be supportive ^_____^_

_PS: About pronouns, I'll keep Lu Xun as a "he" now. Maybe I'm gonna change it to "she" later on… I don't have a good nickname for **her…**_


	3. narcissist turned skirtchaser

**author's**** note:****   
Chapter three finally! INSANITY RULES! *got hit by a flying bunny slope*  No, no, no, this is not the final chapter. I'm not just gonna end a fic once and for all. I still need more random corruptions! *psychopath*  Err… right, this chapter might be the whakiest so far. The start of Zhang He's race for the forever lovingly *cough gag* Boyan *glares at the laugh-and-roll Shang Xiang*  I won't explain much about Lu Xun's current physical features, so use your imagination carefully. Just think of an extremely hot babe in Lu Xun's clothes… with hair around shoulder-length and an oversized headpiece. Still ZH/LX! Keep reading! **

Also about that Chang Ban thing… sorry, my mistake ^^;  It's Xu Chang. Xu Chang, the capital of Wei. But forget it, it's Fan Castle now. Actually I figured it out a few moments after I uploaded this chapter, silly me ;p  Also forgot to mention about the timeline. I know that I revived a few characters here. Sun Ce supposed to be dead during Sun Quan's period. So let's say that everybody's alive in the same time, kay? Make me happy.    
- - **standard disclaimers apply - -**

**My Dear Sweet Fruit!**  
     chapter three: narcissist turned skirt-chaser—Lu Xun's kidnapped!

"I can't believe I have to fight with this body…" 

Lu Xun groaned for the hundredth time. As usual, he was riding his Hex Mark horse, circling the supply depot and led his guards to defend it. For the first time, he used _lady guards_, instead of regular infantries. Yet another reason to groan, even guards mistook him as one of Gan Ning's mistresses, after yesterday's case. Then the final reason was, his headpiece kept slipping down. Thanks to that, he had to be busy every one minute. 

"…if only I could work with a lot of fire…" he hissed.

"…you'll be completely unstoppable," Gan Ning whispered from his back, letting Lu Xun jumped out for a few moments, "too bad we're not preparing any fire attacks here. Huang Gai's stuffed for what happened at Chi Bi."

"Oh, you mean the one when he accidentally got shot out with a cannonball?" the young strategist asked. Gan Ning replied grinning. During this second, Huang Gai sneezed.

Gan Ning noticed that Lu Xun's hair grew a bit longer as a woman, "Are you feeling comfortable? Seeing you as a girl sure looks odd."

Lu Xun glanced at Gan Ning's sensitive area, it was striking up, "Don't tell me you _like_ my current appearance…" Gan Ning quickly looked away, blushing. Lu Xun sighed, "Fighting as a girl doesn't look so bad… my body's lighter now, I can fight more with speed. Lack of strength, however."

"Say… care for a bet?" the pirate offered, watching the morning fog began to fade, "The person who kills the most men will win and the loser'll have to something in return. You can do it fast, do you?"

The younger man partially accepted, "Kay… if you lose, what're you going to do?"

"I'll hold up a stripping dance with my lady guards on tonight's dinner—"

"…and wear pink!"

Gan Ning frowned, "Oh, phoey! What about you, Boyan?"

"Well… I'm a girl now so…"

"Spend a night with me?" Gan Ning gave a seductive smirk.

Zhou Yu was in front of his siege, narrowing his sight to the Xu Chang. He was out to find the perfect position to use his sieges. A platform not higher than ten meters, which was the sieges' limit. Higher than that, the soldiers will be forced to walk down a zero degree fall, or climbing. Good thing he remembered that he was personally a horrible climber.

"They're not coming out…" Sun Ce gritted his teeth in frustration.

Sun Shang Xiang rested behind her horse's head, "Ahh… I can't believe they're making us wait…"

Not until a letter through an unleashed arrow burst out to Sun Quan's direction, which landed on a tree right behind the emperor. Promptly, Sun Quan fell from his horse in shock.

While Shang Xiang approached her brother, Sun Ce approached the fired arrow and took off its letter.

"What is it?" she asked, holding Sun Quan and his spiral eyes.

Sun Ce cussed inaudibly. Not long after that, he heard his father yelling from afar.

"FALL BACK! We're going back, everyone! Back to the camp!" Sun Jian yelled, ordering his men to spread the word immediately.

"Another cancel?" Shang Xiang placed her hands on her waist, causing Sun Quan's head to fall, "I can't believe it!"

"I think that's not the problem…" Zhou Yu came running his horse near Shang Xiang, "I suspect the Wei officers may have something to do with Lu Xun…"

Shang Xiang looked at him unbelievably, "Is it even possible?" due to the fact that their soldiers were seven times stupider than her's.

"They _were_ the ones who caused many mischief's around here, they even canceled yesterday's battle at the first place." Sun Ce slashed in, scrounging the piece of paper, "Now they're asking us for a _peaceful_ meeting…"

Zhou Yu agreed, "If they weren't the ones who changed Lu Xun into a woman, they would happily throw a full attack to our fort," he brushed his hair, which was recessing everywhere, "which in fact, they don't."

"If they _really_ did, how do you think they did it?"

The two childhood friends shrugged as one. Shang Xiang snorted.

Not long after that, Sima Yi rode his horse and brought five of his men to the Wu camp. He painted his men's bosoms with assembling text of _WE CAME IN PEACE. The Wu soldiers cautiously opened a path to the present generals, who were staring at them blankly in confusion. _

"We. Came. In peace." Sima Yi and his men exclaimed pleadingly.

Shang Xiang pointed out, "Err… yeah. I can see it in the name of your arse."

The soldiers immediately approached Shang Xiang beggingly and kneeled, "OH! Thank you so much for your generosity, Lady Sun! We are in your debt!" and kissed her fingers, which was the least favorite thing to experience.

 "Yes… we truly thank you…" Sima Yi said in his ever-sophisticated robe and fan, dismounting horse, "Lady Sun Shang Xiang, wasn't it?"

"I don't understand you! Why are you cancelling our battle again?" Sun Ce spattered from the background.

"We don't mean any harm," Zhen Ji walked out from behind Sima Yi's horse, "we want to… help you out."

Zhou Yu's eyebrows rose, "Help us out? You mean, you know everything about Lu Xun!?" he battered toward.

"You can say that…" Zhen Ji noted, "but in return, you will have to help us too!" she stroke Shang Xiang's chest with her flute.

"What do you want?" The Little Conqueror pouted, "Sweep your dungeons and clean your toilets?"

"No, no, we clean water closets by _ourselves_, thank you very much." Sima Yi denied the fake joke which was taken seriously, "This favor of ours is more important than any victory."

The Wu officers blinked—

Zhen Ji sighed, "One of our officers is missing."

…and face-faulted.

Sun Ce rubbed his head, "Sorry, missy… but we do _not help our enemies to search their missing officers. Otherwise, we'll be burying our own graves." He said matter-of-factly, imitating Zhou Yu's accent._

"Oh," Zhen Ji released her pressure over her attached flute on Shang Xiang, "so… you think our offer are not worthy enough for you? Very well, I'll take that as a 'no'." she walked over to Sima Yi's horse, "And may your strategist never returns." a hint of grin revealed.

"Hold it right there!" Zhou Yu snapped, "You mentioned earlier that you know everything behind Lu Xun's transformation. And you also need assistance in your officer's retrieval." he then assumed, "I suspect your missing officer has anything to do with our's… care to explain?"

Zhen Ji's face changed totally, as well as her speaking manners, "Umm… I don't think any one of you will believe us…"

"Oh really?" Zhou Yu approached her, "Changing into a girl is already a miracle. What else could go better?"

The wife of Cao Pi muttered a "fine" accusingly, "Alright, it all started when we're fixing a scheme to eliminate Sun Jian… or in other words, to you, the superior of your kingdom—"

"Wait! So you mean, you want to kill father!?" Shang Xiang interrupted.

Worried of a word slip, Zhen Ji quickly made an expression and fake reason, "I mean, to _distract_ Sun Jian, so he won't be able to fight for our battle. It doesn't change the fact that you still want our lord's head, right? I mean, we _are enemies… except today, of course."_

Shang Xiang mumbled one thousand curses.

"Anyway," Zhen Ji continued on, "we were thinking of poisoning his soup during your banquet, so we came to your camp during the night hiddenly. However, it appears that we poisoned the wrong bowl… which wasn't Sun Jian's."

"Oh? So you wanna turn pop into a lady!?" Sun Ce demanded unbelievably.

"Pretty much, yes, but…" she replied hesitantly, combing her hair with fingers, "who will you choose? Sun Jian or the strategist?"

Zhou Yu surrendered, "Obviously Lu Xun. I can't imagine lord Sun Jian being a lady of some sort… not only his children will freak, Lady Wu will surely have a heart-attack." images of a pink-dressed 'Tiger of Jiang Dong' invaded, "But what does it have to do with this officer of yours?"

In all honesty, Zhen Ji would love to plug their ears, "Surprisingly… our missing officer, Zhang He, fell in love with that man-turned-woman as we speak…" she rolled her eyes, "Yeah, I know you won't believe me, but it's true!"

The Wu officers bleep-eyed… except Shang Xiang, who was constantly rolling on the ground laughing, "I knew it! I KNEW IT!! ZHANG HE GOT A CRUSH ON LU XUN!!" and continued to laugh hysterically.

"Shang Xiang, stop that… this isn't funny…" Sun Ce muttered breathlessly.

"Yeah… this isn't funny…" Shang Xiang held her stomach, "THIS IS HILARIOUS!!" and laughed ten times louder.

Ignoring Shang Xiang's constant laugh, the older strategist questioned, "But how in the world did Zhang He fall in love with Lu Xun? It's… out of the question!"

"YEAH!" Gan Ning piped in out of nowhere, "Lu Xun's a guy! He can't be stalked by another guy except—OUW!"

Zhou Yu rubbed his pinched knuckle, "This means, we have to save Lu Xun _and Zhang He! And if he's over-obsessed, that's even worse!" he exclaimed._

Sima Yi slapped his forehead, "For the second time, Zhen Ji, what did you put in that potion?"

"How do I suppose to know? I bought it from Madame Sandy at Szechuan!" Zhen Ji shot back, "All I remember is… she said it contains sugar, spice, and everything nice…"

"HA! The ingredients Shang Xiang perfectly needs!" Gan Ning mocked teasingly with a grinning face.

_*POW*_

Zhen Ji added, ignoring Gan Ning's aching, "She also mentioned that she accidentally spilled Chemical-X… but that's what makes the Powerpuff Girls so special, isn't it?"

The rest of them frowned. Sun Quan wondered what Powerpuff Girls are. Sima Yi shook his head in devastation, "You know that drinking those stuff could make you look like an old hag during your late twenties, right? If you worship beauty, then do what Zhang He does."

The empress slipped her foot to his' and knocked him, "So the point is, we're here to eliminate the mishaps happening here. Do I make myself clear?"

The Wu officers nodded uncharacteristically.

Sima Yi narrowed his eyebrows, "Now, where could Zhang He be…"

And a femine shriek went hollering overboard.

"_Eureka__!"_

"Hey, bro! Check out that hot girl!" Xiahou Yuan pat his companion as he removed his eyes from the telescope, which was revealing a desperately running female in red.

Xiahou Dun snickered in delight, "Fuu~~  that girl may be the vision of my liquid dreams~~"

The shriek went closer and closer—

…and vanished.

All of the officers blinked in lost of excitement.

Until a messy-haired Zhang He came screeching to Sima Yi and begged, "SIMA YI! Thank goddess you're here! Did you see the love of my life? The beautiful girl I devoted my life to?" his hands grabbed Sima Yi's sleeves.

"Uh… the bathroom???" Shang Xiang piped hesitantly.

The narcissist instantly turned to her in a hysteric face, "REALLY!?"

"Yes!" a fake smile poped out.

Sima Yi looked at her with a fuzzy face, "…you have a bathroom here?"

"Well, for the time being, we use the river nearby as our bathing spot." Shang Xiang pointed the river flow not so far.

"…that makes sense…"

Zhang He ungripped Sima Yi's sleeves and quickly ran over to the river happily and sang, "Oh, my dear sweet fruit~~"

All the officers kept statically silence.

…not before Lu Xun came running in tiptoes from a pile of barrels.

"Is he gone?" he grabbed a slash of Zhou Yu's attire.

"Lu Xun!" Zhou Yu widen his eyes, starting his lines of questions, "Where have you been? What happened to you? Why are you so… messy?"

Lu Xun stared in hatter to the direction where the sing echoed, in which Zhou Yu understood later on. He arranged his hat back after being flown to eight hundred ways, "Thanks to that furball, I'll be busy 24/7… I mean, if that guy really worships beauty, why don't you he chase the Qiao sisters and leave me alone?"

Zhou Yu glared in return, "If he does that, I'll kick his ass. But since it's you, then I won't bother messing with him. Besides, you're a lot prettier than them now. Don't you regret being borned as a man?"

The younger man pouted, until he turned to find his enemies one meter far from him. He hollered, "ASSASSINS! What the ^$#%@ are you doing he—"

"Whoops! No cursing for Lu Xun!" Shang Xiang covered his mouth promptly.

After moments of struggling, Lu Xun was about to attack. Luckily, he was stopped by Zhou Yu, "Err… actually, they're not really our enemies today." Lu Xun looked at him confusedly, "Look, they know almost everything about your transformation, so we better tolerate them while we can. Let's just say we're out of the battlefield, okay?" Gongjin patted his head. 

"You mean… they're the ones that…" he pointed sixteen marks of his well-changed body, "turned me into this…!?!?!?"

Zhou Yu nodded.

"Well, that's what makes them our enemies, right!?"

"Calm down!" Zhou Yu held his shoulders, "That's why, they're helping us to find a way to cure you! Because your transformation attracted one of their officers too. This means, we're now carrying dead-weights in our party."

"Oh right, one of their officers _fell in love_ with me because I completely lost my masculine features," he took distinguishing glances around his body.

"Anyway, let's just listen to them and we'll work this out. We won't stop until you change back, I promise."

Lu Xun looked at his senior doubtfully, "Really?"

"Yes. I guarantee with the lives of all my house!" Zhou Yu reassured with a happy face.

The young strategist rolled his eyes heavenwards, "You don't even have a permanent house, Zhou Yu…"

Shang Xiang then interrupted, "Speaking of Zhang He, there he is." she pointed the direction where a happily singing ponytailed man ran melodiously, in which everybody set their eyes on.

Boyan's face went purple, and quickly hid his face behing Zhou Yu, "Get me away from him! When he asks you, tell me I'm in the bathroom!"

"We already said you went to the bathroom."

"Then tell him I'm in Wujun or something… just get rid of him for me!" he whisper-screeched.

Zhou Yu sighed in the request. Not until Zhang He approached him with a rather, rather disappointed face. The reason was pretty much obvious that all of them knew.

"Did you see her? She isn't in the bathroom!" Zhang He asked tearfully.

"Umm…" Zhou Yu awkwardly find the perfect lie, "…he just got kidnapped by the Wujun bandits so—"

"Those Wujun scums will feel my wr—"

"NO!" Zhou Yu immediately stopped him and made another lie, "He's… uh…" just now, Lu Xun was walking over his tent, which Zhou Yu hadn't have a clue of, "…in his tent?" he didn't realize Lu Xun was out of his wing.

"Really? Thank you, THANK YOU!" and planted a kiss on Gongjin's cheek.

Zhou Yu paused. The others paralyzed.

"…bisexual freak…" he cussed inaudibly as he looked to his back, "he's gone no—hey, where's Lu Xun?"

"Oh God. Oh God. What should I DO!?" Lu Xun stroke his hair miserably as he was also having dandruff problems, "I'm being chased by a crazy, beauty-obsessed GAY!" or so he thought, "Damn. I gotta think of a plan of getting rid of him… or I might end up in his bed!!"

"I didn't know you dreamt of a _bed_ so soon…"

As the familiar voice echoed throughout his tent, he looked back.

The next thing the whole world knew, a high-pitched scream triggered as the cliffs collapsed.

"Uh-oh. Lu Xun was in his tent after all?" Zhou Yu muttered in a sour face.

Suddenly, one of Gan Ning's pirates yelled an announcement, "CAPTAIN! COMMANDER LU XUN IS MISSING!!"

Gan Ning's angered took over, "WHAT!? You mean that Zhang He guy took his away to Fan Castle!? That's ridiculous!" he ordered, "Go chase him before he went inside the castle! We're not gonna let our officers being raped!"

"Damn!" Sun Ce cursed, "HEY! You Wei bags should go to—what!?"

"ZHANG HEEEE~~" Sima Yi hollered as his horse already took advantage from any officer standing there. Oh, such glory.

While the Wu and Wei officers chased the runaway _groom_, Lu Xun was still struggling from Zhang He's gripped, which was surprisingly tight and caused temporary asthma, "Ugh… let go of me, you big galoot!" his Wujun accent slipped out of his tongue accidentally.

"No, ya ain't! You're MINE!!" Zhang He grinned devilishly not before letting out his typical _"Mwahahahahaha"_ laugh.

"NOOO!! LET GO—"

And Zhang He threw his _bride_ gently to a traditional horse-cart. After flying a kiss to Lu Xun, he ran with hops to the forest to get roses for his _wedding_… or simply spread it to his bed of flowers.

Fortunately, Gan Ning and his merry men came to save the day—well, almost. But anyway, Lu Xun was in tears of joy.

"XINGBAAA~~!!" he cried with his miserable feminine tone.

"Yo! What're you doing in a cartwheel?" Gan Ning peeked into the cart.

"I don't know, looks like Zhang He's out to pick flowers or something for his beauty facial…" Lu Xun forwarded his head out of the cart and quickly pulled Gan Ning's cloth, "But more importantly… Get. Me. Out of HERE!!"

"But I ain't got nothing to bring you back in an instant… I didn't bring a horse…"

"Then get onto the horse and bring me back to camp!!" he yelled in front of the pirate's face.

"And Zhang He's gonna come back and chase you again."

Lu Xun ungripped Gan Ning's cloth as he inhaled deeply after desperately breathing through Lu Xun's grip. Because too many things happened to him lately, the strategist couldn't think properly, which was commented roughly by his comrade, "You sure are screwed up, Boyan."

He snorted, "Well, if you turn into a girl like me, and being chased by a rosy-phony, how would you feel?"

Gan Ning kept silent.

"Anyway, you better rescue me from that beauty freak. I don't want to be laid on a bed of flowers!" Lu Xun twitched.

"HEY! I'm trying, kay? It ain't that easy!" Gan Ning silently scolded, "Besides, why do you always have to count on me out of all people?"

The strategist sighed, then spread his fingers, "One, we've been working together in many missions, so it's good to help each other, which is very general. Two, I've saved your ass a couple of times and it's time for you to pay back my deeds. Three, you never done anything good, so you have to something pleasant for once. Four, I was the first to consider you as a well-worth officer. Five, I know your deepest secrets and everything about your past which I could spread into the royal newspaper. Six, I know where you put your childhood photos. Seven, I can tell everybody that you collect Chinese plush dolls in your closet. Eight, I also can tell everybody that you can't sleep without a teddybear. Nine, I know how to dettach those bells. Ten—"

"Alright, alright, ALRIGHT!!" Gan Ning shrieked with a fearful face, "I'll save you! But I'm still thinking how!"

"Take your time! Just don't let that—Uh-oh." Lu Xun bleep-eyed to see Zhang He's song came closer.

"Ach, my bad. I gotta go." the older man murmured before drawing his head out of the cart, "See ya, bro!"

"B-But hey! WAIT! I thought I told you to…" but the pirate was now far away, "…save me…"

Gan Ning of the bells and his merry men was already nowhere in sight.

"…bloody pirates…"

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu ran to find Gan Ning running towards his direction.

"Hey! Where's Lu Xun?" the little prince asked.

The pirate pointed to the faded shadows of the Fan Castle, "Umm… he's off to the enemy's den, I think… Zhang He placed him in a horse-cart."

Zhou Yu whispered thoughtfully, "Hmm… so he's being kidnapped by Zhang He…"

Sun Ce complimented the situation, crossing his arms to the back of his head, "This is getting interesting!"

Silence.

"Uh-oh." the three muttered as one.

~tbc

**more**** babbling  
Alright, maybe not as hilarious as I promised but it's fun to see Lu Xun being chased and constantly screaming hysterically. Moreover, it's scriptive, so it's funner reading ^____^  Sorry if it contains many grammatical errors, I got a rush into it, cause school is starting and I wanna finish it quickly. Btw, a few of the conversations aren't original. Like the one about _"I guarantee with the lives of all my house" is obviously taken from the novel (hence, Kan Ze's line about his compliment of Lu Xun) and that _"bloody pirates"_ one is from _Pirates of the Carribean_ *heehee* a very, very common curse word dedicated to pirates._**

And thank you for the wonderful feedbacks everyone! Just so you know, if you guys are still reading this fic, keep reviewing or simply contact me… anything to let me know you're still reading it. But anyway, your reviews are very refreshing ^_^_^_^_^_^  My bad, school's starting, so forgive me if the update's slowing down. I have a lot to learn, y'know.


	4. captain Xingba to the rescue!

**author's**** rants:  
Yeah, another chapter is released, can you believe that? Alright, if you guys thought this fic is Lu Xun-centric, then you're wrong. Like what is written in the description: _The nightmare begins… when Lu Xun turned into a WOMAN!!_ No, that doesn't mean it's a story about a running man-turned-woman who has difficulties of adapting his new gender. Actually, it means when Lu Xun turns into a woman, every mischief happens, and so, so… it's not just about Lu Xun, it's about everyone featured in this fic (well, almost). Oh, puh-leez, don't you guys love corrupted sanity??? …I'm such a pyromaniac *dances in a barrel***

_I do not own Dynasty Warriors, KOEI Games, and other stuff related. I don't even publish the Sam Kok novel. Gee… people should be tired writing these. I mean, I can't just legally own a game company, it's too good to be true *nyuknyuk*  Besides, why would people write fanfics if they own the original story? *pffft*_

**My Dear Sweet Fruit!**  
     chapter four: captain Xingba to the rescue! (*lmao*)

"Huuhh… the moon sure looks beautiful tonight…"

Locked doors and lined up soldiers were guarding the room.

"But this isn't the time for this…" Lu Xun cried softly as his face looked restless, "Ugh… are girls always sensitive? I know that I'm a bit emotional, but I'm not supposed to be this delicate!" he scolded, brushing his tears roughly.

He looked at the moon again, which was beginning to be covered by clouds.

"NOOO!!" he hollered miserably, cursing the heavens with his middle finger, "First, you made the Wei officers to transmutate me into a girl. Second, you let this horny scumbag caught me… Now you're taking the moon AWAY FROM ME!?!?!?"

The clouds gestured, answering a "yes".

"Dammit."

"Alright. First, we're going to distract the guards by shooting firecrackers, which will be done by the fire team. When they go to the site, we'll rush in. Understood?"

"Not too shabby."

"But… don't you think that strategy is similar to the one Lu Xun used in the Battle of Yi Li—YEOCHH!!"

Zhou Yu and Sun Ce covered Gan Ning's mouth altogether.

"Be quiet!" Zhou Yu demanded in a whisper, "These guys are highly sensitive to sound. And there's a string aligning not far from you. If you mistakenly pull it, it'll open a sliding trap."

Sun Ce stared at his best friend blankly, "How do you know that?"

The strategist coughed a "hem!" in a red face.

"Cut it out, you two!" Gan Ning ducked an arm to his lord, "Aren't we here to save Lu Xun?"

"Of course we are!" Sun Ce stood up and blabbered confidently, "If it weren't for me, you guys will never come here. You know who took those gate captains? Yeah, it's me, The Little Conqueror!"

The pirate sank his head, "Those gate captains were sleeping and you attacked them even though you don't have to…" he muttered, barely audible.

Not until Sun Ce was up to pull the trigger on the wall. Zhou Yu stood up in alert, "NOO!! Don't touch that—"

And the young lord, hollering, fell down an endless pit right after he pulled the switch.

Zhou Yu's mouth twisted, and awed, "…will he be alright?"

"Fat chance!" Gan Ning shrugged, "I don't know if he's gonna come back but… don't you think he's gonna be okay? I mean, he just fell down to an _endless pit. He'll be sleeping before he reach the ground." or never, he might add._

The long haired man placed his hand on his forehead and walked over to another set of bushes, "If you say so… err… I think you better call the fire team to cast the firecrackers…" still sulking his obliviously lost sworn brother.

Not long after Gan Ning sent a sign to the fire team, firecrackers wavered up in the sky, with beautiful, pastel colored blooms. Yes, they were indeed beautiful to ruin a kingdom. But the firing sounds were annoyingly disturbing and loud, sending a direct lightning strike to the ears.

Gan Ning promptly plugged his ears. Zhou Yu was too busy scheming a plan to save Sun Ce that he couldn't feel his ears were lurking out blood. One third of the guards fainted for their starlight eyes (the colors were too bright and contrast) and bleeding ears (the sounds were awfully striking).

"Damn. I thought I told Lu Xun to buy _ordinary_ firecrackers. Why can't he be listening to me and keeps using my guinea pigs for his experiment?" Zhou Yu fiddled his well-burnt hair, which accidentally _almost got hit by a crashing firecracker._

"…he is a _huge fan of fire, after all." Gan Ning commented, "He'd be happy to experiment his fire-related __'inventions' on your properties."_

Zhou Yu snorted. He could feel the guards rushing towards the fire site not far from them.

"Oh goodie!" Gan Ning delightfully clapped his hands, "They're gone now!"

Gongjin looked at his officer strangely in disgust,_ Euh… my officer's gay…_ he thought silently as he held his mouth, face turning slight blue and purple. But quickly threw the thoughts away and followed Gan Ning.

And stopped. The unevitable happened.

"FEMALE GUARDS!?" Gan Ning whisper-screeched, "…but I thought we lured all the guards out…"

"Zhang He might have placed both groups here." Zhou Yu thoughtfully said, "He may be smarter than we thought… _yeah, we thought he was terribly dumb._"

"I know Zhang He has many men but… female guards???" the pirate looked at his senior quizzically.

Zhou Yu then remembered the time Zhen Ji spattered about coming to their camp together with Sima Yi, which was because of her disappearing guards. He couldn't forget her saying, "Those worthless runts… now I don't have anybody to shave my armpits!" which was said impatiently out of the blue hysterically.

Gan Ning, being almost as smart as his fellow 'transgender', suggested an idea, "Why don't you swindle them with your oh-so sophisticated looks, Gongjin?"

"…I beg you pardon?" 

Without much thinking, Gan Ning threw his companion like throwing water out of the bucket. Not after he announced cheerfully, "CHECK OUT THE HOT PUNK!!"

And Zhou Yu was stammered by grasping women in an instant.

Captain Xingba quickly dashed to the dark hallway before Zhou Yu caught up with him and unleash uncountable tortures.

_*GROWL*_

_Shut up…_ Lu Xun slapped his stomach for the umpteenth growl, "Now where the hell did that Zhang He crap might be? I know he has grown quite attached to me, but somehow, I want him to come here and bring me food!" he muttered in a hate-to-say-it tone.

Until sounds of silent tiptoes and moans(?) emerged outside his door.

"Huh?"

Lu Xun approached the door and pressed his ear. A familiar sound echoed gently. Sounds of bells.

"Xingba!" he felt like screaming with joy.

But his face faulted when he heard cheerful whistles and hopping steps from the other side of the room, from another door across the window. Lu Xun shivered for a second, until the sounds stopped and the door opened… revealing a rose bouquet.

"My dear sweet fruit~!" Zhang He sent a blooming smile.

The youth gasped in horrid, constantly pinching the door in attempt to push it right over. Fortunately for _her_, Zhang He's steps were close as he tried to stay in motion, not to spoil himself in front of his _bride. But still, the door wasn't opening._

Out of the blue, Lu Xun shrieked tearfully, "XINGBAAA!!!"

But Zhang He quickly came to _her_ aid and wiped away _her tears, "No need to fear, my dear. That unworthy pirate does not deserve any bits of you. I shall protect you from harm." his hands went gripping tightly around __her waist._

_And his grip is dang tight!_ Lu Xun struggled to let him out of Zhang He's embrace. The narcissist posture wasn't really different if compared to Lu Xun. However, Boyan's woman form shrinked his body to the size of the Qiao sisters'. His body was so small and hug-comfortable, it was so easy to be snuggled.

Another shriek was let out, "Xingbaaa~~~~"

Hearing the name twice made Zhang He twitched an eyebrow and immediately dettached himself, "Why? Is that what your heart chanted to you? You do not love me?"

Oh, how did he feel like puking. But it was better than having Zhang He raped him. He quickly made a fake face, "I do not know… Zhang He, you are nice and caring, but my heart is that of another man…"

"You love… that Gan Ning…?" Zhang He's face fell miserably. Lu Xun could tell his eyes were about to broke into tears. 

And so he played along, "I am afraid so… but I do not know!" he held his head tightly, "I'm confused! My heart… I cannot understand it!" he burst out with tears. 

"…Boyan…" Zhang He called out with his name, at last.

"Please…" Lu Xun pleaded quietly, "Leave me alone… I-I don't want you to be involved with this…" _she looked away._

Yet Zhang He didn't give up by grabbing _her_ arm in, "But dear—"

"NO! I don't want you to tell me what to do, Junyi!" another plead went surprisingly loud, tears were bursting more, "I cannot make myself love you even though I want to…"

Zhang He wasn't pleased to lay an eye on his beloved.

Lu Xun rolled his eyes impatiently, _C'mon, c'mon. Go, go…_

"But Boyan… I love you! I love you more than any beauty of this world!" Zhang He confessed dramatically.

Lu Xun frustratedly gritted his teeth, "Leave me, Junyi! You may love me, but I don't! It is my heart, and you aren't God, you cannot control it! Please… give me some time to think… I'm confused…" _she_ covered _her face with hands as __she thought silently._

Zhang He paused.

Realizing himself in tears, Lu Xun grinned, _Hey, I can be an actor!_

And the young _lady found __herself in Zhang He's arms. He whispered, "I love you,"_

Lu Xun felt his hair on the air. Without hesitant, he slapped the older man's arms and threw himself to the bed, covering his face once again, "Go away, Junyi! I cannot see you like this! I beg of you…" his voice muffled with pillows.

A disappointed look flashed upon Zhang He's face, "I understand," he said before shutting the door.

Lu Xun blew a sigh of relief.

"Wow. I didn't know you're good at acting, Boyan."

The mentioned _Boyan leaped in surprise. But quickly ran over to the other door with a joyful face._

"Xingbaa~~!! You really came!" the boy felt like throwing his friend in enjoyment. 

Gan Ning struggled to get out of Lu Xun's tight hold from the other side of the window, "Yeah, yeah, I'm here to save you, but I dunno how the hell this door opens with!" he pulled the door trigger.

"Don't you think the keys are supposed to be woth the guards?"

"Euh… do you know how much guards you have?" Gan Ning snapped, "Thirty. And that's _just your room. Fifteen for each gender in general."_

"Zhang He set both male and female guards for me!?" Lu Xun jumped. Gan Ning nodded, "Man, that guy must be crazy."

Gan Ning shrugged, "Yeah, he's crazy in love with you." he stated teasingly.

"Cut it out, Xingba," Lu Xun waved his hand flatly, "your grin is disgusting." he complimented as Gan Ning's grin was getting wider.

"Don't say that, Boyan…" the older man poked the youth's nose, "Do you know how long I've been here?" Lu Xun blinked, then literally twitched, "I've been hearing those mushy _I-LOVE-Us since the last minute. Man, you could replace Shang Xiang's position as a princess or play a drama, y'know?"_

"Shut up…" his face went flat, "Don't compare me to her nor those soap opera actresses… you know that I puke everytime I watch Xiao's novellas, right? Why the heck would I bother imitating them?"

Xingba stared blankly, "…cause you're being loved by someone your own sex?"

Boyan sweatdropped. He then realized there was only Gan Ning, "Umm… are you alone? You're not bringing the others?"

"Ah, right," Gan Ning almost forgot the other two, "Sun Ce got caught in a trap, or more precisely, falling down an endless pit… while Zhou Yu is…" he looked to his back, "I think he's busy right now…" he assumed awkwardly.

"Busy? What happened?"

"You see, we set firecrackers to distract the guards and get rid of them from the gate. The male guards are heading for them, but the female guards stayed on spot. So I used Zhou Yu as a decoy to lure them out of your door."

Lu Xun huffed, "No wonder I've been hearing moans."

"Exactly,"

"But you have to get Zhou Yu here." Lu Xun jerked to see the crowding women, "He's smarter than you. He knows how to save me."

Gan Ning went bright red, "WHAT!? You're saying I'm not smart enough!?"

"At least he's smarter than you," Boyan rolled his eyes, "he's not nearly that stupid that he doesn't even know that carrots are supposed to be orange—which you think were purple."

The spiky-haired guy snorted.

"Anyway, I think you should call the others. You can't save me by yourself."

Now he was pissed, "And you also think I ain't strong enough to save you!?"

Lu Xun slapped his forehead, "Hey, you're a strong guy with a huge sword, but you can't just run for the door without thinking. I will never, never do that if I were you." he shook his head.

Gan Ning hissed, unable to win from Lu Xun's advice, "So you want me to call the others? I can't shoot firecrackers or even getting back… it's been a lot of trouble coming here alone."

The strategist hoped too much, "…but the female guards are now with Zhou Yu… you'll get less trouble with that," he suggested, "or if you want to, you could lure the men to that endless pit you mentioned before."

And planted a kiss on the cheek, "Boyan, you're a genius… _I can't believe that _she_'s supposedly a man!_"

Lu Xun's mouth twisted in awe… then realized he was still a girl, and quickly threw away the imprinted thoughts of homophobic gays. A crossbow was attached together with Gan Ning's bells, "Why didn't you tell me that you bring a crossbow?"

"Uh, what?" Gan Ning took a glance at the back of his waist, "I don't remember bringing a crossbow, probably Gongjin wants me to bring his bow for him that he placed it on me."

"Well? You can send a message to the headquarters with that!"

**     -- ten hours later --**

Gan Ning yawned for the thousandth time.

"Did you remember to fire your arrow, Xingba?" Lu Xun was bored to question it after billion repeats.

The pirate nodded and leaned on the wall under the window, "It's a miracle nobody hasn't visited you since that big fight with Zhang He except bouquets of flowers. Kinda makes you wonder what flowers he'll give you next." he said mockingly.

"Whatever," a flash of glare shot directly, "just let me know when the reinforcements have arrived." he informed before closing his eyes.

And the bushes moved.

"…what was that?" Gan Ning remarked.

"What?"

"The bushes… it just moved."

Lu Xun ducked, "Probably just the bunnies." and went back to his beauty sleep.

Gan Ning tend to believe Lu Xun's words, although it sounded unbelievable. After rounds of yawning and blanket-searching, the bushes dugged deeper, in which disturbed him. He bothered to throw a twig and mumbled cusses, "…stupid bunnies…"

**     -- to the wu camp --**

"Zhou Yu! What happened to you!?" Xiao Qiao ran over to her husband concernedly.

Zhou Yu stared at her for a while and continued walking with trembling steps.

Taishi Ci ducked a blow playfully, "You okay, partner?" but due to Zhou Yu's out-of-guard condition, he crashed the recesses of vases. He sighed heavily, eyeing his teared off clothes, "Man, you look like you just got raped or something. Did some Wei dog mistook you as a woman and kidnap you for the night?"

Hearing the word _rape kept Xiao alarmed, "How come there're many lipstick smooches around your face!?"_

Sun Quan, Sun Shang Xiang, Lu Meng, Zhou Tai, and the rest of the Wu officers looked at him in amusement, "Uuuuuu~~~"

"By the way, where's my brother?" Shang Xiang approached the badly-shaped Zhou Yu.

He kept silent, then mumbled something about, "…fell down an endless pit…"

Shang Xiang shrugged and questioned again, "And where's Gan Ning?"

Passed out.

**     -- back at Lu Xun's chamber --**

"It's been a while…" Lu Xun began to look back at the enchanting yet mystifying moon… like he did yesterday.

Gan Ning was sleeping very soundly, as well as the guards. Sun Ce's whereabouts was still mysterious, however. But fortunately, the Wu officers had came to the rescue, following Gan Ning's unexpected lead. The party stumbled to a forest of bushes—

…and two of the officers fell down an endless pit, same to where Sun Ce had fallen.

"Damn. They're gone." Sun Quan looked back.

Shang Xiang immediately took the lead, "Anyway, we gotta get Lu Xun fast. Who knows Zhang He impregnates her already!"

Lu Meng groaned, "You know it's bad luck to say those things…" he stated statically.

But after a few minutes of exploring, a very-very-stressing-and-ear-disturbing-alarm-like sound echoed. None did the Wu officers realized what it was, but the next thing they knew, Shang Xiang was alone.

Lu Xun woke to see if Gan Ning was doing alright, but unfortunately, he was nowhere to be found.

Disappeared.

~tbc

**author's**** rants:  
A very, very scriptive chapter, don't you think? I personally think it's not so funny, although I really like the part where Lu Xun and Zhang He had a little bit of arguing (which looks like a soap opera rip-off). But anyway, this chapter ended unexpectedly with a cliffhanger. Right, a cliffhanger, can you believe that? The Wu troops are all busted (except Shang Xiang) and a punishment might be awaiting them in the next chapter… Whoops, spoiler! No, not really, I haven't really thought about how the next chappie will go so I'll think about it ASAP.**

Thanks for your feedbacks! It really has gotten me a super duper boost! ^_____^  Keep those reviews coming, kay?

Btw, if you haven't noticed the sentence _"they were indeed beautiful to ruin a kingdom"_ is obviously taken from the novel (again again). I just love to reuse original phrases~~****


	5. ha, ha, and ha

_dynasty warriors and its characters © koeigames, inc._

**My Dear Sweet Fruit**  
     chapter five: Hey JULIET!!!  
  


"AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!! I wanna DIEEE~~~!!"

"What is it, Xiao!?"

 "Sis, it hurts… it hurts…!" 

"What's wrong!?" 

"Uhh… *sniff* …uhhh…"

A long silence ensued.

"For goodness sake, Xiao, it's only a pinky!"

Sounds of crickets and owls broke the quiet peace emerged within the crystalline forest. Not exactly crystal, but flown water tinted on each leaf. The moonlight stroke a shine and reflected the glow of each tear, sending warm glitters to the pines. It was indeed a beautiful night—

…but wasn't beautiful enough with miserable shrieking whines. (enough with the melancholy!)

"…I think we're lo—"

"That's it," Sun Quan noticeably pointed a finger, "no more _'we're lost'_ crap."

Shang Xiang whimpered, "But we _are_ lo—"

"And don't even mention _that word,"_

The girl glowered in sarcasm, shoving couples of grenades, peroxide firecrackers, potions and poisons, a monotonous journal, a series of _Romance of the Three Kingdoms_ graphic novels ("Hey, that's our book!" Lu Meng popped), a weird headpiece, a dagger, and a pair of spare pantyhose to a leather bag.

"How about _'does anyone have a map'?" she grimaced._

Sun Quan furrowed an eyebrow, but played along, "…that's much better."

"Speaking of which, I got the map of Fan Castle right here." Lu Meng pointed out, taking a rusty scrounged map from his pocket, "If we're near to the enemy's HQ, then this should be Poopoo Forest."

The leader looked resentfully amused, "Poo—what?"

"_Poopoo," Lu Meng imitated Kongming's infamous accent, "it's said that the Wei ancestors used to refer these pine trees as __'toilets of nature'."_

Sun Quan gaped. Shang Xiang rolled her eyes incredulously. _What a way to remember._

"Anyway," the youngest officer cleared her throat, "any signs that this is the Pupu Forest?"

"Well… this place _does smell like shit…" Sun Quan commented indistinctly, relocating his hat, which seemed to slip over every two minutes. That is, after being attacked by a seven nation army of mice, skunks, ants, cockroaches (_eek!_), African flies, chipmunks, and monkeys—and to his surprise, they all stink. Now __that explained everything._

"I guess it is," Shang Xiang agreeably presumed.

Lu Meng gestured the dots marked on the paper, "If we go this way, we'll end up in a shortcut to Xu Zhu's chamber…" the image mark was imprinted with a huge pig face.

"Ugh, not _him! That hog completely crushed me with his arse on top of mine!" Sun Quan whimpered, cold sweat bleeding everywhere, "His horse even went flat right after he dismount it, and it was less than a goddamn SECOND!!" he shouted in horrid._

Shang Xiang snorted, "…you don't have to yell,"

"Yeah, whatever, but can we please not go there?" insert puppy-doll eyes here. Everyone knew it never suits our madhattered godfather.

"The second closest shortcut should be to the prison," Lu Meng reported. Sun Quan looked utterly delightful.

"So? Shall we move on?"

_Oh, Juliet!   
Such enchanting moons may never equal the beauty shown in your eyes!_

Faint Pavarotti voices emerged through the windows. Lu Xun cuddled himself at the corner of his extra-everything suite, his face constantly looking back and forth to the window. He appeared to be restless—well, he would've sleep if Zhang He wasn't reading ridiculous love poems out loud in front of his window. And this one could probably be the forty-fifth of the evening, he had been reading them for three hours now. The walnut haired boy rolled his eyes in devastation.

"He even sucks at English…"

_Oh, Juliet!  
Please come out and show your lovely face to the stars!_

Man, he sounded like he was using a mike. Lu Xun shoved all shelves in the room for the perfect ear-pluggers. His eyes blinked when two pair of lingerie's came landing at his face whilst everything in the room were still flying. But he threw them anyway.

_Juliet, my Juliet~~  
Nothing looks better than my sweet piglet!_

"Give me a break…" the boy mused in agony, still tossing and throwing any object that came at hand.

However, the voice didn't stop raising it's pitch and volume.

_Juliet, MY JULIET~~~!!!_

"Hey, SHUDDUP!!" a slope landed on Zhang He's face.

"BE QUIEET!!!" masses of dictionaries hit seven spots of the narcissist's body and became severely-bruised. Miraculously, he didn't give a damn.

Lu Xun shook his head in frustration. But the poetry-turned-song-turned-shriek medley was getting more nauseatingly loud—which bothered him to open the window with a huge bang.

"My dear sweet fruit!" Zhang He looked wholly pleasing.

Not until Lu Xun juggled all the materials he threw and tossed in his room, with extra thick dictionaries and moreover, Shakespeare's books of poetry and romance saga.

The crying voices of blaspheme hushed in an instant.

Lu Xun looked merely exasperated, "…that guy… is insane!"

Suddenly, sounds of door beats surfaced, but before the boy let the person entered his room, the unexpected guest came on his own. A fellow strategist from Wei, Sima Yi.

He exposed his teeth with a hole on the middle-left, but later frowned, "Aren't you going to come do—WHAT HAPPENED HERE!?!?!?!?!?"

Sima Yi realized he was in a room of dumpsters—scrunched books scattered all over the floor, underwears and lingerie's hung within the curtains and drawers, and any other miscellaneous objects that were supposed to be inside the closet, were now everywhere. 

"And for the love of the goats… WHAT DID YOU TO MY NOVELS!?!?!?!?" the man pointed accusingly. Right, that included his Shakespeare fluffies.

Lu Xun groaned, "Thank that bozo for that, he kept singing these peachy poems and love songs just outside the window!" he showed a crumpled paper of Zhang He's lyrics with his name signed on it.

Fluff boy shook his head in devastation, "He is _so_ gonna get it tonight…" he cussed inaudibly, "anyway, dinner's served, and I'm here to pick you up." better than Zhang He, he might add.

"NO," a loud deep _womanly voice exclaimed, "I am certainly _not_ going to have dinner with you and your minions—especially with that huge retard, he's just going to fill his mouth with mine." he looked terribly appalled._

The bathrobed man sighed out dubiously, "Fine, I'll just let them send the food to you." and walked out of the room. After a period of ten seconds, he cursed out loud from the hallway, "DAMMIT ALL!"

Lu Xun rushed to the door and peeped along with the staring maids, "Must be about the novels…"

_We're lost…_

"The moon sure is lovely tonight…"

_We're lost…_

"But I know it's not the time for this…"

_We're lost…_

"Oh, CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT!?"

_We're lost…_

"Maybe it's just me but… never mind…" Shang Xiang curled up, denying the situation of _being lost_—which is in fact, she was. Two heads were rested on her lap, which were twice as a heavy as an ordinary Chinese blade. She knocked the two drooling sleeplings and impatiently snatched Lu Meng's map, "Damn, if only I'm much smarter…" she pondered.

Sounds of caressed grass prompted two meters from her spot.

The unlikely princess grunted, "What the—KYAAAA~~~~!!"

And screamed. Apparently, there were two dark figures approaching her in an oblivious, freaky way of walking.

"WA~WA~WA! Oh Buddha, please save me! I swear I won't steal my brothers' underwears again!!" she screeched, slapping her cheeks until it went bright red.

"Shang Xiang?" one gestured, letting out a female squeally voice as Shang Xiang pulled herself to the farthest distance from the two, "Is that you?"

The appointed tomboy crawled back, "Huh?"

One of them removed a mask, Shang Xiang's infuriated face turned instantly happy, "Da! Xiao! What're you guys doing here?"

Da Qiao brushed the dust away from her heedless soldier suit and fixed her hair, "We came to help. Look, we brought many things for you to use!" she pressed the grass with bombs, Boyan's experimental firecrackers, seven-eyed daggers, and some extra paintyhose (Shang Xiang was obviously sweatdropping now).

"Nice," Shang Xiang's mouth set a grim line, which faded really quick, "but I don't know where the heck is the main entrance."

The Two Qiaos exchanged perplexed looks, and beamed altogether—not forgetting the nodding chorus. 

That just made Shang Xiang wondered even more, "What? You guys have a clue?"

"We discovered a rathole not far from this river; it should take us out of Poopoo Forest." the younger sister clarified heartily, pointing an image of a one inch thick line on the map, "So? What are we waiting for?"

"But I can't just leave these two here." Shang Xiang tilted her head at the snoring duo, "Brother will definitely freak out when he found out he's been sleeping with mosquitoes. And moreover, Lu Meng's allergic to worms." a pair of crimson bells chimed.

"Don't worry," Da Qiao chuckled, and it gradually became mid-volumed, "they slept so well that they _will forget about it!"_

"Whatever," Shang Xiang rolled her eyes dispassionately, "just give me the goddamn map." and pilfered the crumpy illustration back, "You see, we can't go almost everywhere. This rathole is being sealed with a giant goo!"

Lady Ce raised an eyebrow. Amazing how Wei made a separated septic tank for just their _goo._

"Anyway," the True Beauty inhaled deeply, "we revealed Lu Xun's chamber whereabouts! We could simply use a ladder and climb up there, for we're using pants that enable us to move freely!" she once clapped her hands jovially.

Shang Xiang glinted apathetically, "…is this the first time you _ever_ wear pants?"

Imaginary clocks chimed as a sign of midnight. There were no hint of light nor sound were ensued in the hallway—nothing but fire dragon carves were shreded on the castle walls. They weren't real dragons that roar and growl though.

The only sounded object was Zhang He's boisterous uproar of misery.

Zhang He stated that he was beauty-obsessed, but even a beautiful lady such as Zhen Ji didn't shun the narcissist's thoughts away. The Empress was on crossed her legs in desolation, "You really love her, do you?"

The pony-tailed boy gasped, flickering his eyebrows awkwardly, and finally nodded.

Zhen Ji moaned exaggeratedly. She quickly slapped Zhang He's face to hers and growled, "What if I say that your little Juliet is supposedly a _man?"_

A silence took place. He hinted with a grumble, "…that's impossible…"

But Zhen Ji kept reassuring, whimpering his shoulders reluctantly, "B-But—"

"This must be a sign, Zhen Ji!" Zhang He leaped to his _beautiful_ jewelled table, "It is my destiny—my destiny to meet the most beautiful to ever come to the face of this earth! We're fated to be together, don't you see? She's the love of my life!!" 

Zhen Ji paused as the claw wielder became unruly overexcited. She shook her head grudgingly, "But _he's a man!"_

"She is NOT!"

"I don't care what you believe," Zhen Ji held a deep breath, "but if you keep this any longer, your honey-bunny will be captured back by the Wu kingdom!"

Zhang He's ebony orbs flashed the rage of a mad dragon, "Well? Let's see if those Sun family bratlings could kidnap MY hunny-wunny!" he grasped Zhen Ji's hand forcefully, "Now, let us go! We shall see if my darling IS really captured by those Wu dogs!"

"H-Hey!" Zhang He tripped the woman's body off to his shoulderblades (Man, he's tough), "Let go of me!"

Lu Xun groaned heavily as he looked out of the window. He was pleasantly surprised to see fireworks bursting out of the Wu camp—his camp. He sighed as he mourned his destined fate.

That was, before someone covered his mouth from behind.

"MMMM!! MM!!" he squealled oh-so feminishly, and literally kicked the person's head with his high kick, "Let go of me you big galoot!"

"Ooowwww…"

Lu Xun wide-eyed. He crawled toward the injured person curiously—

…and shrieked.

"ZHOU YUUUUU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

A long-haired man laid not far from the boy's lap, unconscious with honey brown spiral eyes. The younger man stormed, "What are you doing here!?"

Gongjin held his headache and answered his plight, "I'm here to save you!" he hiccoughed, "I sent the girls and two thugs before but it looks they never made it back, so I'm here to catch you up!"

"So I'm free?"

"YES!"

And the two happy strategists jumped off the window for instant happiness.

As soon as they got to the Wu camp, they heard an endless scream from Mai Castle, which seemed to be screeching something like "Boyan" (insert a sweatdropping Lu Xun here).

"That's it! We're going to attack the Wu camp!" Zhang He declared victoriously to his men.

Enter Cao Cao, "HEY! You can't just go and make orders! All battles are canceled after the Wu strategist is cured!" he glared.

But Zhang He glared even more sarcastic, so Cao Cao lost here.

"ATTACK THE WU CAMP!!"

  
~tbc

**author's waffles:**  
I'm soooo sorry for the long update, I got lazy with school and all. I'm also sorry if the last part sounds lame, I got real tired during the end (lack of sleep *zzzz*). BTW, if you guys want me to add your favorite bishies here, just review it or send an eMail (hume@soul-release.com). The next chapter _might be the last, so submit those ideas while you can! Honestly, I really really want to end this silly fic, coz I got a planned FF7 fic already (and I'm so excited, I want it to be posted ASAP!). Note that I won't be putting any Shu characters every now and then, so I don't tolerate any requests for Zilong's appearance (unless necessary, we dunno yet, rite?). _

BTW, anyone here needs a beta-reader? I'm up for a challenge! ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^  (P.S: preferrably NOT humor, I had _enough.)_


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